This morning finds me once again awake far too early. I don’t know what my damage is that if I have time to sleep in, I don’t ever seem to be able to.
I spent yesterday hanging out with friends, specifically the junior high friends mentioned in the last post. We had an awesome time chatting over coffee, and also went to lunch at a most excellent burger joint that I hadn’t been to before. It’s been forever since we’ve all gotten together, so mostly, it was just nice to see each other all at one place at one time.
After that, I went back to my favorite coffee shop and waited there till my friend CC was off work. We then went shopping for ingredients for dinner– chicken stuffed sopapillas (ZOMG. GOOOOOOOOD.), and then went back to her new house (so cool!) to cook. And we cooked and cooked and cooked. Chicken stuffed sopapillas are really good, but DANG, they’re a lot of work! Funny how much faster the work goes when you’re doing it along side someone you love.
Good wine. Good food. Good friends.
So why did I wake up sobbing this morning?
Mostly because I had a dream that I had encountered my former best friend, and I had hugged her until she relented and hugged me back. I don’t talk about it much, but I miss her. Actually, I should revise that– I miss the good things about her, and I miss having someone in my life who I know better than anyone else in the world. I woke up this morning, thinking of ways to try to reconcile with her, until I became fully conscious and remembered all the hurt she caused me, and remembered all the times that she made me feel small, or less than. And then I cried harder, thinking about all the years that I felt bad about myself, because I believed the things she said about me, and how much time in my life I wasted thinking that I wasn’t deserving of being treated well, and being loved, and thinking that I was just a messed up person who had no remedy. And how even at her nicest, she was always brutally “honest” and would let me know right away when I started to think too highly of myself.
But I don’t want to get any further into that, lest I start crying again. The point is that while situationally, this is more like a divorce, in my heart, it feels like a death, that the future with this person in my life has ceased to exist, that I am still mourning. I miss her.
I’ve been thinking about her more lately as I take this step toward building a family, and part of me is glad that she isn’t in my life because I think she wouldn’t have anything positive to say about it. But I also think that this is one of the first huge, potentially-life-changing things that has happened in my life aftter we parted ways. This is the first thing that was big, huge news, the kind of thing that I would dissect with her over the phone for hours, and it feels so bizarre not to share it with her.
But specifically, she was brought to the front of my mind on this trip because CC is a mutual friend of ours, and CC told me that apparently, L has blocked her on facebook because I comment on CC’s pictures and posts and that is too painful for L to see my comments. I apparently replied after L on something CC said about credit cards, and my reply was very different in tone than L’s reply (L said “don’t get sucked in” or something like that, and I said “I’m proud of you for working so hard to rebuild your credit”), and apparently, that reply, according to L, was a direct attempt to slam L, to hurt her feelings, to cause her pain. And I felt really bad. Because as much as I am still pissed at her and hurt by her, I meant what I initially told her in my last email- I love her and I don’t wish her ill. I don’t want her to compromise her friendships with mutual friends just because I happen to still talk to them. She doesn’t have a lot of friends (go figure) and it is really upsetting to me that she is apparently so hurt by the situation that she blocks our mutual friends, whose only sin is having received comments from me. It’s just so fucked up.
Anyway, seeing CC and talking about L has really left me feeling punched in the gut. I’m sad. And my husband is at home, terribly sick, and by himself, and I need him here and healthy and whole (or I need to be there, to be able to comfort and care for him). And on top of that, did you know? This whole infertility thing SUCKS. I don’t think I said anything about it, but I spent 30 of my 90 minutes of massage weeping. I didn’t actually realize why I was crying when I started crying. I only was able to stop crying when I realized that I was really fucking sad about this infertility business.
So. My head is a jumbled up bunch of emotions right now (and I haven’t even STARTED the drugs yet!). I need to get my day started, so I think I’ll give myself another 10 minutes to cry in the shower and then get to work helping my mom with the preparations for the rehearsal dinner tonight.
I have more pictures to post, but again, they’ll have to wait for another day.
Here’s to your day starting far better than mine.