See ya, Austin…

So, back in December, I was recovering from a flare up of what I think I’ll start calling my Issue With My Butthole. I was traveling with all kinds of pain killers, narcotic and non-, to allow me to remain semi-sane were this most excruciatingly painful Issue With My Butthole flare up again. I was in the midst of some significant lifestyle moderations in order to ensure that I gave myself the best possible chance of healing (no drinking is the big one). I was also dealing with a sinus infection compounded by various vicious allergens that saturate the air in my home state.

This is the situational frame in which I found myself during the time when my relationship with my former best friend exploded. It actually added to the pressure that caused the explosion to occur (because everything is about her. You cannot take any action without it being some comment on her life. This includes blowing your nose, because that is clearly you trying to say that her house is dirty, not that you have a sinus infection and allergies). At any rate, the point is that there were all kinds of crazy things going on in my attempt to keep myself as physically healthy as possible.

So when I woke up crying again this morning, I really started to think about the current frame of reference, and what I can do to keep myself mentally as healthy as possible. Because being here in this city, MY city, MY home, feels like shit. I cannot escape the ghost of this person who was the cause of the single most emotionally painful experience of my adult life. I go to MY coffee shop, and I am left to explain, yet again, that NO, I don’t know how L is doing. No, we aren’t talking anymore. No, I have no plans to reconcile. No, I don’t really want to talk about it, please-for-the-love-of-God-quit-asking-me.

But worse than the old acquaintances bringing it up, is sitting at a table with friends, feeling punched in the gut over and over again, and not being able to say a word, because you don’t want to be that person. You don’t want to be that manipulative jerk who makes people choose between friends, but you also don’t want to sit there and be reminded over and over again of the awfulness of the situation. You want to escape, but you don’t want to be that emotional fucktard who acts so ridiculously sensitively that people don’t want to be around you anymore (because then, frankly, you’d be acting just like L). There’s just no winning solution. You either act like a jerk and tell your friends to cut it the fuck out, to quit talking about this person who you know to be an awful excuse for a human being, who treated you like a fucking piece of shit for years and years and years, or you just feel waves of nausea as they reminisce about how fun it is to play cards with her, how they want to reconnect with her.

And so you just sit and keep your mouth shut, and think about ways to avoid being in that situation ever again, ways to avoid feeling her devil-faced ghost stab you, over and over again. And come up with nothing. If I could, I would never come back to this city again, if it meant I could avoid feeling like I do right now. I would just drop out of that scene, and never look back. But unfortunately, my family is in Austin. And my dear friends are part of that scene. And so, unless I want to cut out my family and friends, I just have to resign myself to the fact that for the rest of my life, I get to relive that most emotionally painful experience every single time I visit my home.

And I’m not used to thinking this way. I’m used to dealing with pain by meditating through it, or taking pain killers, or making lifestyle changes to reduce the cause of the pain, or just avoiding the pain, period. I’m used to taking charge of my life, getting things in order the best way I know how, doing what it takes to make things better. But with this situation, I’m left with avoiding my friends and family, which isn’t an acceptable option, OR sobbing in the shower.

Forgive me if I don’t find that to be a pleasant thing to do.

Ahem. So that is my current frame of mind as I am now at T minus 25 minutes and counting for my first Lupron injection. That I am less than happy as I begin the drugs for this most exciting adventure is one more thing that is UN-FUCKING-FAIR. I should be dancing with joy at this chance to solve our childlessness, but instead, I am sad and weepy and pissed off that despite my drastic removal of her place in my life, the former best friend is still causing me incredible emotional trauma.

When does it all end???


This entry was posted in ivf #1, old friends, travels. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to See ya, Austin…

  1. CC says:

    Sweetie, I am sorry to have been a part of the group to put you in this frame of mind! PLEASE speak up when you are hurting! I vow RIGHT HERE AND NOW to leave L in the past when we are together. I don't ever want you to feel like you can't speak your mind to me. (Or to M or your Douchie for that matter.) You wouldn't be seen as overly sensitive in any way shape or form. As much as I hate to admit it, I'm not that great at reading other people when they are hurting, and I have a tendency to open my big mouth and insert both feet. So, if I ever say something to hurt you, or bring up a topic you just don't feel like talking about, tell me.. I'm cool with it. You are going through a LOT right now. Actually, M and I talked about it when we got home, how I am a little more than a little nervous for you with the current events in your life… What with starting all this pretty fucking hard core hormone work, and a hubby who licked one to many pigs (that's how you get swine flu, right??) and dealing with your crazy family, and and and and and…. It sure seems to me like you have a LOT on your plate. If you need to talk, rant, rave, dissect situations, bitch, cry, celebrate, whatever, call me. It was really Really REALLY great to see you this week. I can't tell you how good it was to spend time with you while you were here. Please don't completely forsake Austin… This city just wouldn't be the same if you never graced it again!(BTW. the captcha thingy I have to type in to post this response is "ducerie"… I thought it said Doucherie for a quick second. Huhuihuhuhuh)

  2. Sue says:

    The pain may not ever end entirely, but it will get better with time.

  3. jenn says:

    It is a sucky place to start out from- that is for sure. But look at it this way- you are getting your emotional rollercoaster practice in now! Because I hear those hormones & such are killer on a girl's moods.And if you need to do whatever to get it out & feel better & we can help in any way- don't even hesitate- do it! I think taking care of emotional pain is a much more difficult process than the physical. You can be relatively assured that the physical pain will indeed go away with time, medication, therapy, surgery, whatever, but there's just no telling when it's your emotional heart that is hurting. Hang in there & hopefully the jumping for joy happens soon!

  4. Oh, Kate. This sounds really, really hard. I know the biggest friend breakup of my life took a long time to get over, and it was a lot less complicated than yours – I didn't have so much of the mutual friend situation as you do, or at least at the time I was immature enough to just turn my back on other people for a while. It is a big loss you are dealing with and no wonder you are feeling stressed being back in Austin where everything is coming up at you all at once.

  5. luxzia says:

    Sadly, I understand pretty well. I avoid Austin because of far too many ghosts that I don't want to revisit. And, as CC said, you are going through a lot right now. You are starting what could be a very long and difficult process in a place really far away from the people who served as your bedrock for so long and still do. You are still dealing with shit from the past that should have ended years ago (I'm referring to family shit, so I understand that it never ends…). And, H is sick and couldn't be there this weekend to have your back. Of course, the sum total of this is to want to have a bottle of wine (ok, that's more me) or cry your eyes out. That's healthy, normal and human to find a way to deal with pain. I'll give you a call tomorrow once I back home and not in the process of visiting friends and seeing new cities. I would like to have a good long chat, if you're game. I'd even like to say hi to that Mann of yours and tease him about licking pigs 🙂

  6. Star says:

    Sorry to be so late commenting, but I just wanted to say that I sympathize with the friend breakup thing. It is really like losing a part of your self to have to let go of someone who is such a part of your history and who knows you so well. The older I get, the more I see the value in having those people around . . . almost like the older you get, there's too much backstory to explain to a new person, or something. I've had a couple of near miss almost-breakups with a particular friend, and even though I was the one initiating them, it was still really painful. The fact of mutual friends makes it harder. I imagine that the pain is somewhat akin to grief after a death, in that it never completely abates but gets easier to live with over time. Be kind to yourself as you work through it. (cue Gloria Gaynor . . . 🙂

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