You might notice that things look a little different around here. And if you happen to have stopped by in the last couple of days, you may have found that you couldn’t get into my blog without a password. This isn’t because I suddenly decided that I hate my readers or that I have an immediate need for privacy in light of my new family additions (though I can now understand why so many blog friends have chosen to go password-protected after giving birth).
Someone, some malicious piece of shit, anonymously sent a link to one of my posts to a colleague of H’s, wherein I, in a fit of pregnancy-induced ugliness, said some not-so-nice, and ultimately, not-so-accurate things about said colleague. This “someone” sent the link in such a way that it possibly could have gone to his entire department, though I’m not necessarily sure about that.
I don’t know whether some random person was just reading through my archives and happened to find this post and somehow determine where H works, and put two-and-two together, and then choose to irrevocably hurt not just me, but also H and his (innocent) co-worker. It’s possible. Or it’s also possible that one of my regular readers managed to determine where H works and decided to share my blog with H’s co-workers out of some sort of messed up need to hurt me (not so likely, but you can’t be sure). But more likely is that someone I know in real life somehow found my blog and decided for some reason to cause me as much personal harm as possible at a time when I was otherwise (blissfully happy, but) stressed to the point of breaking by adjustment to being a first-time mother of twins. I have my suspicions about who that person could be, and she already has a special corner of hell reserved for her for all of the shitty, judgmental assholery. But most hurtful is that I don’t know for sure who this person is, and thus, this space has been compromised.
I don’t know what outcome this “someone” had in mind, whether it was just to hurt me, or to possibly hurt H, or to take away my sense of security and (relative) privacy I felt in being a part of this online community via my blog, but regardless, the actual outcome is that I don’t know exactly what to do with this space. Do I password-protect? Begin blogging absurdly anonymously, lie about my identity, leave out important details, to protect my husband and children? Do I just start a new blog elsewhere and closely guard who is given the link?
Or do I just give this “someone” a giant FUCK YOU and just keep blogging here as I always have? (Oh, and if it hasn’t been implied already, “Someone”, if you are reading this, FUCK YOU, you malicious piece of shit.)
I don’t know how to answer that just yet.
Bear with me while I make some adjustments. Meanwhile, my archives have been relocated to a password-protected space. I know how helpful it was for me to be able to read other people’s stories when I was on the TTC roller coaster, and so I really didn’t want to delete them altogether, but I needed to be able to find a way to keep any identifying information about myself that could possibly be contained in these posts from remaining public. Again, I don’t know exactly what I will do, but after I have more time (what, 4 or 5 years from now? Maybe?), I will likely start moving some of the archives back to a public space.
For now, I leave up the last two posts as a reminder that even when humans prove to be the shittiest of creatures, throughout it all, and in spite of actions taken in an effort to prove otherwise, love fills us up, and spills over into every part of our lives, and overcomes even the worst kinds of meanness and spite and malice. These sweet boys remind me of this, even when they’re wailing at 3:00 a.m. and I’m cross-eyed with exhaustion and confusion, and H is managing to sleep through it all (HOW does he do this???)– They stop the insane crying for just long enough to stare at you, and you see that they know you, and they are somehow comforted by the fact that they do, and it kind of seems like nothing else really matters all that much.
So yes. Changes coming. Bear with me just a bit longer as I sort this all out.