Sleep, sleep, sleep!! My kingdom for an uninterrupted hour of sleep!
What was I just writing earlier this week, that they had settled into a bedtime routine?
Yeah, well, it really seemed like they had. Surely the Monday and Tuesday bedtime rough spots with Jack were just a fluke, and the Wednesday and Thursday all-night nursing sessions with Henry were temporary…
SURELY, they aren’t trying to torture me with sleep deprivation (you know, to get back at me for all the baby torture we perpetrate against them, with the nose suctioning and the taking them out of the bathtub and the medicine administration…). SURELY they won’t both decide to have sleep issues at the same time!
Ah, Kate. You fool, you fool, you fool. Sleep is for those little wussy newborns– three month olds are way too mature for sleep. Sigh.
So yes. I posted about it on Facebook, but we are going on four nights in a row of someone waking every half hour, with the last two nights having BOTH wake up every half-hour. And while earlier in the week, each took turns on different nights refusing to go down at a reasonable time, now, we add to our other issues that BOTH are engaged in not-so-peaceful protestation of bedtime. Neither baby wants to go to sleep in the first place, and if they do manage to fall asleep, neither wants to stay asleep.
My brain is mostly jello at this point. Or a very loose swiss cheese.
Anyhow, we’ve revamped the bedtime routine a little, and tried working on other ways to soothe to sleep (other than nursing, because I think that’s part of the problem, that they have a nipple addiction and cannot sleep well without a nipple in their mouth, and pacifiers don’t work…), and last night, they did actually go down pretty easily each time they woke up, but sleep interrupted every half hour is still worthless sleep, even if it’s only interrupted by 3-5 minutes.
It doesn’t help matters that I still have this effing cold, and that they boys are still a little snuffly,too, and that H and I have been bickering like crazy (in part related to this sleep baloney and in part exacerbated by the inability on both of our parts to be gentle with one another in our sleep deprived states…). So last night found me in complete meltdown mode when (after an hour working to get both down to sleep and an additional 1 1/2 hours working to get Henry down to sleep), just as Henry finally drifted off, Jack woke up and refused to be rocked or held or comforted in any way.
I have had my share of sobbing moments in the last three months, but last night was a doozie. I felt (and still pretty much feel) like a shitty mother and a shitty wife and a shitty friend. I actually was barely a few decibels lower than what I would call a yell when I harshly told my three-month-old son that he should quit spitting the nipple out of his mouth if he was going to scream when he discovered that the nipple wasn’t in his mouth. You know, because infants are so capable of understanding language and cause-and-effect reasoning, right? It was a low moment, and my fuse has been really short lately and while I know a thousand times over that I would never, ever do anything to physically hurt my children, I’m beginning to worry about my ability to control the way I speak to them. It really freaks me out. It freaks me out just writing this and putting it out there in the world, like by admitting it, I’m somehow making that behavior seem okay.
Anyhow, I’m short with my husband, bossy, nagging, condescending at times, demanding, resentful– in short, a real joy to be around. While I knew that I would have no problem handling twins physically, I neglected to consider the emotional strain of caring for two babies when I have virtually no support system in place around me. For obvious reasons, I don’t have a church family to rely on, my neighbors are great but elderly, I know shockingly few people in my immediate area and I certainly don’t know anyone well enough that I would feel comfortable with getting them to stop by and take the boys for an hour while I rested or did chores, etc. I am terribly far from my “tribe” and that fact is just another on the list of things I resent about my husband (that his job took us away from my hometown). I actually find myself wondering sometimes whether or not it would work for me to live back home for a while until the boys were old enough that their demands weren’t so all-consuming, but that ultimately makes me feel even crappier for wanting to take the boys away from their father when I know how much he loves them and how much they love him (no, I don’t mean taking them away permanently, as in divorce or separation– I just mean that it starts to sound like a great idea to live close to abundant help for a while).
Anyhow, shocking, I know, but motherhood is hard and mothering twins is ridiculously difficult and this particular phase is sucking royally and I’m finding the lack of sleep incredibly hard to cope with (largely because… I’m sleep-deprived!). I know that (for better or worse) things will change, more quickly that I could imagine, but right now, it feels like the long days are winning out over the short years I keep hearing about.
I think I’m mostly ranting here, but as always, advice is totally welcome. Oh, and as long as I’ve opened the advice door, anyone have any input on what one does to entertain infant twins? They’ve finally stopped nursing every hour on the hour, which is great, but leaves us with great gaping holes in our schedule. It’s still a little too warm to walk (and I would probably have to drive somewhere to find a safe place to do so– no sidewalks in my area and people drive like batshit crazy maniacs), and Book Babies is great, but only once a week. Tummy time and/or bouncy seat time or swing time or book time or stare-at-Mama time are all quite brief entertainment around here. We’re a little young for arts-and-crafts, huh?. Seriously, what did you/do you do with three-month-olds?