Yeah. I’ve been working on the Seven Month update in snips and snaps for the last week, and it’s just not happening yet. It’s mostly because my children don’t sleep. They now nap in a Not-On-Me position (HALLELUJAH), but this past week, they’ve been refusing to settle in to any sort of reasonable schedule. Thirty minutes in the morning, ten minutes the second the car starts moving, an hour in the afternoon. My favorite this past week was when I was so desperate for a nap with them, and I successfully got them down to sleep next to me TWICE in the course of a two-hour time frame, and TWICE they woke up the second (literally, the. exact. second.) my head hit the pillow next to them. Only a sleep-deprived parent could understand the cruelty that sort of behavior exhibits. I’d sell my kidney for a half-hour nap, and I’ve just gotten you to sleep, AGAIN, and you tease me, sleeping sweetly, lulling me into false security, waiting until I’ve gently stretched out, tucked my feet under a blanket, squished the pillow into just the right shape, closed my aching eyes and laid my heavy head down– BOING! AWAKE! WE ARE AWAKE! AWAKE IS FUN!
We’ve been trying something new this week after discovering that Henry would sleep perfectly for hours and hours and hours as long as he was directly next to me. So, I kicked H out of the bed (well, he practically jumped at the chance to sleep somewhere by himself, even if that ‘somewhere’ is a mattress on our floor…), and have been attempting to go it alone co-sleeping with the boys. Whee!
This would be when we discovered that the reason Jack sleeps so beautifully is that he’s had my undivided attention all night long for the last… well, his whole life, I guess. And now that I’m trying to sleep in such a way that I am directly next to both of them, I cannot focus just on Jack all night which has resulted in him waking every hour or two wanting to nurse, even if he’s so clearly not hungry, screaming the second I remove my sucked-raw nipple from his mouth. This has resulted in me pretty much not sleeping.
There’s a reason it’s damn near impossible to find other twin parents who co-sleep.
Anyway, we’re giving it another couple of nights to see if we can work it out somehow, and then… sheesh. I don’t know what we’ll do. I guess we’ll try the next configuration. It would be ever-so-peachy if these boys would just sleep maybe 6 inches away from my body so that I could at least turn over in my (fake) sleep, rather than laying like a plank between them. Actually, it would be great if they would sleep in a sidecarred crib, but so far, neither boy is the slightest bit interested in that (by which I mean they both scream like they’re being fricasseed the second the fact that they are outside of the Official Bed Perimeter hits their wee tiny conscious brains…).
As I go through these motions, I begin to wonder if I’m a little crazy. I mean, I’m going to some pretty ridiculous lengths to be as gentle as I possibly can with these guys, and I have no intention of just suddenly dumping them in a crib and walking away, but I have to wonder what this must look like to an outsider. If I overheard myself talking about this situation, would I think, “Poor woman needs to get a grip and kick those babies out of her bed!”? Maybe. I don’t know. It’s easy to have all the answers when it’s not your life in question.
I think I need to repeat that:
It’s easy to have all the answers when it’s not YOUR life that’s in question. (Take that, you nosy assholes who ask with a twinkle in your eye whether or not I’m getting any sleep yet. Screw you. You either want to gloat over the fact that you have survived that circle of hell with your own children while I’m still stuck there, or you want to pretend that you give two shits about the non-event of my nights with babies who sleep through [were that the case]– or worse, you want to pat yourself on the back for only having one baby at a time so that you don’t have to deal with the insanity of twin parenting, make yourself feel better that, Christ, at least I didn’t have it as bad as that poor sad sack does… Quit. Asking. That. Question. There is no good reason to ask it.)
So. Henry proves to be a champ sleeper when given a molecule of his mother’s nighttime attention. Jack proves to be an attention-glutton who will not share a molecule of his mother’s nighttime attention, even while asleep.
Rule #1 of twin parenting: There will never be enough of you to go around, and the sooner you learn to forgive yourself of this fact, the better.
Anyway, aside from their sleep issues, I have issues of my own. I am an insomniac. I’ve been in denial of that fact for a long time, I think. Reading back over old blog posts as I work to edit out the privacy-busting items, I was struck by how often I described being tired from lack of sleep, or waking up in the middle of the night and being unable to go back to sleep. It got bad during my pregnancy, and it’s never really gone back down to it’s previous (almost, but not really) manageable levels. It really sucks to be so tired and not be able to sleep. Of course, compounding the usual anxiety/whatever driven insomnia is the insomnia due to the fact that my back hurts if I lay on my back for too long (though it just hurts generally, too– laying on my back doesn’t help matters at all), my shoulders hurt, my muscles ache, my hips hurt if I lay on my side for too long. No wonder I can’t sleep. The boys wake me up and it shouldn’t be that big of a deal to comfort them back to sleep and then go to sleep myself, but all of this everything is has built itself into a very sleepy situation for me. I spent last night laying between the boys, listening to everyone else in the room softly breathing, in, out, in, out, while I stared at the ceiling. Ugh.
It will pass. One way or another, it will pass.
Meanwhile, life outside the bedroom goes on. I wish I had more to say about our holidays, but really, it was all just fine. There are more details, and I owe it to myself and my boys to document their first Christmas and their first trip back home to Texas, and their first meeting with Opa and Oma G., but now is not the time to do that. Now is the time to wrap up this “quick” thousand words and try to catch some sleep while the boys are sleeping.
Someone tell me that infancy is survivable, please. Someone tell me that twin infancy is survivable, please…