Yeah. Hmm. Someday, I’ll stop writing posts that begin by explaining my ten-day disappearances, but I’m guessing that ‘someday’ won’t come until the boys are older and/or I get a little daytime childcare help! Where have I been? Raising twins, my friends. It takes a lot out of you. But never the less, here I am, finally posting again.
H left this morning to go to his “bread” conference (I won’t go in to the analogy again, but this is the conference I referenced before that is so tangentially narrow in it’s connection to his actual field of study that it’s boggling that I “allowed” him to go… not that I would ever disallow it or whatever, I just really wonder sometimes about his actual motivation for going to this conference that has the reputation of being a giant drunken brouhaha when it has literally nothing to do with his actual field of study). He’s gone for four days, and even though I have a friend coming to stay with us (YAY!!!), I cannot really expect her to split the workload with me. She is here more for my protection and sanity– with all the weirdness going on with my head, I was pretty terrified to be on my own for a full four days without any other grown-up types around. Anyhow, I’m sure if I asked, my friend would be more than happy to help me out with taking care of the boys, but all the same, it’s not fair to expect it, or to ask it as often as I’d probably need it (if that makes any sense…). I’m so glad to have someone else here, but it’s still 100% Mama doing all the diaper changes, feedings, bedtime and naptime, morning rituals, dressing, etc.
I think I mentioned before that I felt like the work I do isn’t acknowledged very often, but I have to say that with H’s absence, I have to admit that he does more than I often recognize. On certain days, his contribution may just be that he changes every poopy diaper while I do everything else, but that one act is a major sanity-saver for me. Or he may take the boys for 20 minutes in the morning while I check email (and then he disappears for an hour while he does his morning stuff…), but that 20 minutes allows me to take a deep breath before launching into my day. And that is more important than I think I realized before. So, I’ll definitely say so more often once he’s back in town again.
(It goes without saying, but I know at least two of you fellow twin mamas do the parenting-sans-spouse thing far more often than I do and for much longer stretches of time– I am in awe. You guys are made of tough stuff. I feel a little whiny complaining about this four day absence, especially since it’s only the second absence ever, but seriously. Solo parenting is tough. Solo parenting twins feels almost impossible.)
And now, some list-ish fashion, before I run out of blogging time:
1. I’ve been given a couple of awards from you awesome fellow bloggers! And I thank you, and I will fulfill my award duties as soon as I can– bear with me while I put my head down and make it through these next few days without H…
2. As the title of this post suggests, I’m trying a new medication. I met with my primary care doctor to follow up on my meetings with the cardiologist and the neurologist, and she agreed with the neuro guy that this very well could be migraine-ish activity. However, she stringently disapproved of his call for me to immediately wean, especially as there’s no guarantee that any of the medications will actually work, AND there are at least two other medication methods that might work that don’t require weaning. She was a little pissed at him for not even suggesting ways to treat this that might work with my current “lifestyle”. Of course, I said something to the effect that he seemed anti-breast feeding, and that I wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t have kids or if breastfeeding simply wasn’t important to their family, and my doc replied that it was possible that his wife wasn’t able to BF through her implants(!). She corrected herself and said that she had no idea whether or not his wife actually had implants, or what impact if any that had on their feeding decision, but that she certainly appeared to have implants and didn’t seem especially thrilled to be a mother when talking about their family.
So, maybe that explains why Mr. Neuro Guy was so flippant about breast feeding. Or maybe not. Interesting perspective (and another reason why I absolutely LOVE my primary care doc…).
3. Um, I guess I didn’t finish my actual point from #2, which is that my doctor has me on Zo.loft, being the S.SR.I of choice for breast feeding mamas. The purpose of the Zol.oft is two-fold. One, it has been shown to have a positive effect on migraine activity, and two, when these spells hit me, my anxiety goes through the frickin’ roof, and I’m really tired of feeling scared and anxious and out-of-control all the time. There is also the theory that with the way these spells happen, the first one to occur might be physiological, and the subsequent “echo” episodes that happen after that first one are driven by panic. Or it’s possible that they are all caused by panic. Who knows? The point is, we’re trying Zolo.ft to see if it has a positive effect on either the head spins/headache-ish stuff or the accompanying panic.
Has anyone ever been on Z.oloft? I’ve been on it for a week and just switched to taking it in the a.m., because when I take it at night, I wake up at 2:00 a.m., completely wired and cannot sleep to save my life. I think I’m doing better with it during the day, though I’m incredibly drowsy for the first couple of hours after I take it, which isn’t so awesome when trying to keep up with the wonder twins.
4. I completely let months 9 and 10 slide on the monthly update things. Bad mama! And, yeah, next week they’re going to be ELEVEN MONTHS OLD. ZOMG, I cannot believe it. I cannot believe I have survived this long. This is insanity. We will be in Texas for their first birthday, and I am so completely excited I cannot stand it. We head to Texas somewhere around the 30th or so of May, and we’re driving. Twenty-one (and a half) hours, and I think we’ll try to break it into three days of driving, though I sometimes wonder whether it’s better to have two long suffering days, or three semi-suffering days. With three, there’s an extra night in a hotel to contend with (and pay for). And three days of cajoling the boys into being bound into a car seat for multiple hours. I don’t know which is better. Any advice?
5. Um, H and I have been talking lately about having more kids. Because clearly, the lack of sleep has caused us to become delusional. And insane. And crazy. And loony. And any other words that convey that we clearly have problems with our ability to make sound judgments. But pre-infertility, I always wanted to have a large family, and, despite all of the hard stuff, I really love parenting these guys, and would love to parent a few more (or maybe just one more. Or maybe none more. I don’t know yet.). Anyhow, I always thought that H was committed to his No More Kids stance (see prior posts re. tubal ligation…), but he’s apparently changed his mind. Or lost his mind, one or the other. But yes. We’re talking about maybe doing an FET with our remaining totsicles. I don’t know if we’d do another fresh cycle, but we have been thinking that we might not have shut that door, locked it, thrown away the key, etc. on the path that has more kiddos on it. Yeah. Insane, clearly.
6. Will have to wait as I have just run out of blogging time… Jack is awake! Jack is knocking stuff over! Jack is tearing up paper! And grabbing the mouse! And bumping his head! And chewing on the cuff of my pants! And throwing more stuff on the ground! I think that signals time to go…
What about you? Anything interesting going on?