The Loft of Zo

Yeah. Hmm. Someday, I’ll stop writing posts that begin by explaining my ten-day disappearances, but I’m guessing that ‘someday’ won’t come until the boys are older and/or I get a little daytime childcare help! Where have I been? Raising twins, my friends. It takes a lot out of you. But never the less, here I am, finally posting again.

H left this morning to go to his “bread” conference (I won’t go in to the analogy again, but this is the conference I referenced before that is so tangentially narrow in it’s connection to his actual field of study that it’s boggling that I “allowed” him to go… not that I would ever disallow it or whatever, I just really wonder sometimes about his actual motivation for going to this conference that has the reputation of being a giant drunken brouhaha when it has literally nothing to do with his actual field of study). He’s gone for four days, and even though I have a friend coming to stay with us (YAY!!!), I cannot really expect her to split the workload with me. She is here more for my protection and sanity– with all the weirdness going on with my head, I was pretty terrified to be on my own for a full four days without any other grown-up types around. Anyhow, I’m sure if I asked, my friend would be more than happy to help me out with taking care of the boys, but all the same, it’s not fair to expect it, or to ask it as often as I’d probably need it (if that makes any sense…). I’m so glad to have someone else here, but it’s still 100% Mama doing all the diaper changes, feedings, bedtime and naptime, morning rituals, dressing, etc.

I think I mentioned before that I felt like the work I do isn’t acknowledged very often, but I have to say that with H’s absence, I have to admit that he does more than I often recognize. On certain days, his contribution may just be that he changes every poopy diaper while I do everything else, but that one act is a major sanity-saver for me. Or he may take the boys for 20 minutes in the morning while I check email (and then he disappears for an hour while he does his morning stuff…), but that 20 minutes allows me to take a deep breath before launching into my day. And that is more important than I think I realized before. So, I’ll definitely say so more often once he’s back in town again.

(It goes without saying, but I know at least two of you fellow twin mamas do the parenting-sans-spouse thing far more often than I do and for much longer stretches of time– I am in awe. You guys are made of tough stuff. I feel a little whiny complaining about this four day absence, especially since it’s only the second absence ever, but seriously. Solo parenting is tough. Solo parenting twins feels almost impossible.)

And now, some list-ish fashion, before I run out of blogging time:

1. I’ve been given a couple of awards from you awesome fellow bloggers! And I thank you, and I will fulfill my award duties as soon as I can– bear with me while I put my head down and make it through these next few days without H…

2. As the title of this post suggests, I’m trying a new medication. I met with my primary care doctor to follow up on my meetings with the cardiologist and the neurologist, and she agreed with the neuro guy that this very well could be migraine-ish activity. However, she stringently disapproved of his call for me to immediately wean, especially as there’s no guarantee that any of the medications will actually work, AND there are at least two other medication methods that might work that don’t require weaning. She was a little pissed at him for not even suggesting ways to treat this that might work with my current “lifestyle”. Of course, I said something to the effect that he seemed anti-breast feeding, and that I wasn’t sure if it was because he didn’t have kids or if breastfeeding simply wasn’t important to their family, and my doc replied that it was possible that his wife wasn’t able to BF through her implants(!). She corrected herself and said that she had no idea whether or not his wife actually had implants, or what impact if any that had on their feeding decision, but that she certainly appeared to have implants and didn’t seem especially thrilled to be a mother when talking about their family.

So, maybe that explains why Mr. Neuro Guy was so flippant about breast feeding. Or maybe not. Interesting perspective (and another reason why I absolutely LOVE my primary care doc…).

3. Um, I guess I didn’t finish my actual point from #2, which is that my doctor has me on, being the S.SR.I of choice for breast feeding mamas. The purpose of the Zol.oft is two-fold. One, it has been shown to have a positive effect on migraine activity, and two, when these spells hit me, my anxiety goes through the frickin’ roof, and I’m really tired of feeling scared and anxious and out-of-control all the time. There is also the theory that with the way these spells happen, the first one to occur might be physiological, and the subsequent “echo” episodes that happen after that first one are driven by panic. Or it’s possible that they are all caused by panic. Who knows? The point is, we’re trying Zolo.ft to see if it has a positive effect on either the head spins/headache-ish stuff or the accompanying panic.

Has anyone ever been on Z.oloft? I’ve been on it for a week and just switched to taking it in the a.m., because when I take it at night, I wake up at 2:00 a.m., completely wired and cannot sleep to save my life. I think I’m doing better with it during the day, though I’m incredibly drowsy for the first couple of hours after I take it, which isn’t so awesome when trying to keep up with the wonder twins.

4. I completely let months 9 and 10 slide on the monthly update things. Bad mama! And, yeah, next week they’re going to be ELEVEN MONTHS OLD. ZOMG, I cannot believe it. I cannot believe I have survived this long. This is insanity. We will be in Texas for their first birthday, and I am so completely excited I cannot stand it. We head to Texas somewhere around the 30th or so of May, and we’re driving. Twenty-one (and a half) hours, and I think we’ll try to break it into three days of driving, though I sometimes wonder whether it’s better to have two long suffering days, or three semi-suffering days. With three, there’s an extra night in a hotel to contend with (and pay for). And three days of cajoling the boys into being bound into a car seat for multiple hours. I don’t know which is better. Any advice?

5. Um, H and I have been talking lately about having more kids. Because clearly, the lack of sleep has caused us to become delusional. And insane. And crazy. And loony. And any other words that convey that we clearly have problems with our ability to make sound judgments. But pre-infertility, I always wanted to have a large family, and, despite all of the hard stuff, I really love parenting these guys, and would love to parent a few more (or maybe just one more. Or maybe none more. I don’t know yet.). Anyhow, I always thought that H was committed to his No More Kids stance (see prior posts re. tubal ligation…), but he’s apparently changed his mind. Or lost his mind, one or the other. But yes. We’re talking about maybe doing an FET with our remaining totsicles. I don’t know if we’d do another fresh cycle, but we have been thinking that we might not have shut that door, locked it, thrown away the key, etc. on the path that has more kiddos on it. Yeah. Insane, clearly.

6. Will have to wait as I have just run out of blogging time… Jack is awake! Jack is knocking stuff over! Jack is tearing up paper! And grabbing the mouse! And bumping his head! And chewing on the cuff of my pants! And throwing more stuff on the ground! I think that signals time to go…

What about you? Anything interesting going on?

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9 Responses to The Loft of Zo

  1. jill says:

    Oooh I will be excited for you if you go down the FET road! 🙂 I don’t think you’re insane for thinking about it.

    I hope the new medication helps and I love your pc too! Too funny about the implants comment.

    As far as me, C and I started training for our 2nd half marathon yesterday. It was a good jogging day but previous tries this year have been less than good. Hopefully yesterday was the start of a good trend 🙂

  2. Jen W. says:

    We just returned from our own epic road trip. We drove from Chicago to Colorado and back. It’s 19 hours each way. My twin boys are 18 months and they were awesome. They mostly slept, even the one who never sleeps in the car. We also had our aging German Shepherd with us, as though 2-days each way wasn’t fun enough with just twin toddlers.
    We did divide it into 2 days, on the way out it was the shorter day first, since we left when my husband got home from work. That made day 2 super long. On the way back we did 60/40 and it was much better. We got to sleep in at the hotel, and still managed to get home within an hour of the regular kiddo bedtime and gave them a much-needed bath.
    Last summer we did a road trip Chicago to Philly and they were 9 months. They were champs then too. We had to take more breaks then, since they were on a 2-hour schedule for bottles/snacks/diapers. We had just quit nursing about 2 weeks before we left. We had fewer stops this time because they don’t need as frequent feedings, but the dog added some variables.
    It was an adventure but it was great. I like that we could sort of keep our own timeline. If we needed to stop, we stopped. I think babies are easier than bigger kids because they never once asked if we were there yet.

  3. strongblonde says:

    so. i totally am in awe of people that do solo parenting!! with twinz especially! b’s uncle is really sick and expected to die soon. i’m dreading the time that he will leave for the funeral. i don’t think that we should all go. b/c then it would be me and the kids in a hotel trying to stick to some kind of routine. at least it would be better to be at home. but i’m freaking out about being a solo parent for the time while he’s away. selfishly, i’m freaking out also about the fact that i won’t be able to get to the gym while i’m a solo parent!!

    i think that the zoloft is fine. it will take awhile for it to build up in your system. and i’m still pissed at the neurologist for his response to you. but i LOVE your doc’s comment about his wife’s implants. hahahaha. i laughed out loud.

    and more kids?? i go back and forth all of the time. we have some frozen, but i am just not sure. i just worry that my body will give out or something….but am i older than you? at any rate, we have nowhere to put extra kids. which brings up another point: do you find yourself thinking in sets of 2? i realized when i was talking to B a few weeks ago that i was talking about another pregnancy as a guarenteed set of multiples 🙂 that’s my normal! lol.

    too bad you couldn’t have come with H. we would have driven to meet you 🙂 maybe some other time!!


  4. j says:

    The Z drug does do wonder with anxiety – J is on it because he was having so much trouble sleeping and going slightly bonkers with losing his steady full-time job (but he seems to have more than enough consulting work) and being faced with the first time fatherhood and supporting me and the peanut. He is way calmer and sleeps way better – he takes it in the am every day, so maybe you should switch because it has worked wonders on both of our stress levels.

    Seriously, of any two people who I’d be thrilled to see have more offspring, it would be you and H. You two have such sweet and awesome little ones – the world needs more people with their happy temperaments and good parents.

  5. Tara (TIMO) says:

    I was just composing an email to you wondering if all was okay. Glad to find out things (mostly) are and that you’re on some meds. Hope they’re helping and love your PCP. And yes, the help is nice but it’s still 100% Mama. If only they understood.

    I strongly recommend the 3-days of driving. In our 3 trips we never could have gone more than 7hours in one day. We did about 7.5h coming back and it was hellacious. Though perhaps that was due to the tornadoes. I’m still working on my last post outlining our trip.

    And you are clearly insane but I can’t wait to read of your decision. You guys would be great parenting more kiddos.

  6. jenn says:

    We drove an 8 hour clip when the pumpkin was around 4 months old- It wasn’t awful until the last hour. But nearly a year they don’t sleep as much and need more entertaining- so you may want to break it up into more days…

    I like your doc- I am always happy when doctors click with their patients- your neuro had kind of pissed me off! Hope everything levels out for you & hang in for the four days. I am dreading my father-in-laws health failing completely (which could literally happen any day as he’s been in the hospital over a month and now has developed pneumonia on top of everything). My biggest fear is being alone with Pumpkin & having to single parent her while working full time with very little practical support system & then going into labor- alone!
    So- let’s both take it as easy as possible & ask your friend for help with anything you can- although being mommie never takes a break- you can at least have help with dishes or laundry or changing a sweet twin here & there!

  7. Ellen K. says:

    *snort* Love your PCP’s snide comment!

    This is D’s longest OOT work since the girls were born. (He’s not back yet.) He was gone for a couple of 5- or 7-day stretches in the first year or 18 months, and the prospect was so much harder then, such that I had to have my mom take off work and come down for a few days, just to help with the feedings and bedtimes. Now the girls are 2.5 and I truly can phone it in as needed, which is often. : ) The girls have mostly dropped all naps, but we watch Shrek every afternoon, followed by Popsicles and bubbles on the front porch. Really, Kate, it will get MUCH easier, and soon.

    Also, I do have a considerable amount of help, usually about 10 hours in any given week: E. babysits for 3 or 4 hours (I’m going to increase this to 5 hours this fall if we can swing it) and I take the girls to my ILs one day each week.

    Ha, I was just reading “Emotionally Healthy Twins” and it mentioned that around this toddler/preschooler stage, twin parents start thinking about having some more kids. I have to say that I think D. and I could handle a big brood if we had more money and more insurance coverage. But like strong blonde, I generally find myself thinking in terms of more twins, Bobbsey style! Also, did you ever read The Baby-Sitters Club books? Mallory was the eldest of 8 kids and her identical triplet brothers were just a year younger than she is. I can totally see how her parents would have just thrown in the towel and kept on having more kids. What could be worse than 4 under 2? ; )

  8. Angela says:

    Thia being the only one home with twins for days at a time thing is hard. Hope you get to go a long time before you have to do it again. I’m on zoloft for post-partum depression/ panic attacks. %0 mg did nothing for me 100mg seems to strike a balance, although I’m still pretty anxious. Definitley take it in the morning, it causes bad insomnia, in fact when I was still able to breastfeed I noticed insomnia in one of my then 4 week olds. Buspar is also safe while breastfeeding and in conjunction with zoloft really helps anxiety.

  9. shinejil says:

    I hope the zo helps, and it’s cool that it works with breastfeeding–oh, and a huge WHOOT to you for bfeeding for almost a year with twins! Who are adorable. Sorry, I’m behind the times and haven’t had a chance to admire them yet.

    One thing I want to share: I got crazy around 11 mos. Crazy exhausted. I hit yet another wall of tired funk, and thought it was the end.

    Then 13 mos hit. It was like a light went on: sleep improved, walking (for our guy at least) led to more ability and somehow things just got better all around. You’re nearly there; 12 mos is a big deal.

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