[Insert Apologetic Statement Here]

Um, yeah. Something something about why I haven’t posted for almost a month, blah, blah. Thirteen point five month old twin boys, etc.

So, I read a great post today from my dear friend and fellow NC blogger, JJ, and decided to follow her advice: Just write.

I admit to feeling a little shy after finding that my blog is apparently never going to be as anonymous as I would like in order to truly write as freely as I would like. Last summer’s debacle with some colleagues of H’s finding this blog left me feeling exposed, feeling as though I simply needed to reign in my tendencies to be a little judgmental (and my moronic tendency to write about those judgments in a somewhat public forum). However, my recent discovery of who is likely reading this blog without telling me so, left me feeling not so much exposed as judged. Ironic, isn’t it, that I go from being too judgmental to feeling at the other end of someone’s harsh judgment?

Additionally, I’m feeling a little bit stung by some anti-kid sentiment among some of my friends. I totally understand where people who don’t like kids are coming from– I really, really do. Kids are annoying. They just are. It takes some time to turn these wild things into tame adults. But along with the annoying parts, there are some really beautiful, and funny, and charming parts, too. And I wouldn’t rush to lose those parts in an effort to speed up the taming part. I would consider that a grave loss.

Anyhow, in reflecting on what I share and the way it is perceived by people who perhaps are (rightfully) not as enchanted with my children as I am, I realize that I really don’t have much to say for myself outside of my children’s doings. Part of that is the nature of being a parent to more than one child, part is being a parent to children this particular age when they are still so needy, part is being a stay-at-home mother to them, and part is having two who are of the exact same age (though I think that this is in some way relevant to mothers of all kinds). All of those parts combine to create a person whose identity is, for now, wholly wrapped up in being “Mama To Jack And Henry”. There is very, very little outside of that Mama person. Someday, there will again be more than that, but for right now, if you read my Facebook status updates, 90% will relate to things my children do or say, or about my role as mother. If you ask me how I’m doing, you’ll likely get an answer that is tied to how I’m feeling in relation to my children.

So really. What can I say about myself, just myself? I’ve been thinking about finances a lot, and ways that we can better budget our monthly income. I’ve been thinking about refinancing our mortgage, though I suppose I’m being held hostage at the moment, waiting to see how the entire country’s debt status will shake out and what effect that will have on the lending market. I’ve been re-reading the Twilight series, mostly because I want to read something in which I don’t feel compelled to invest too much of myself (and because, yes. I admit it. It’s fluffy and silly and fun and there’s all kinds of literary problems with the story and the characters are all sooo co-dependent its ridiculous. But I still kinda like it anyway). I’m trying to start cloth diapering more often, because I think it’s ridiculous not to, and again with the finances thing (although, whoops! I guess that one has a lot to do with the babies, too…). I got a pedicure on Saturday. My poor, sad sandal feet really needed it. I’m dealing with some significant back pain right now and I really need to see the doctor about it, but she’s on vacation for two weeks, and I don’t want to see her P.A.’s again (no offense to the P.A.s of this world– I just need to follow up on what is becoming a chronic problem, and I think I need to maintain continuity of care on this issue by seeing her, specifically). In an effort to help my back as much as possible in the mean time, I started running again yesterday. I actually would have had an incredible mile time if I hadn’t stopped to walk for a minute twice during the run. Though it initially makes my back more tender, in the long run, over a few days, my back starts to get much more bearable when I run regularly. Um, let’s see… this summer has been ridiculously hot and humid, though my buddies in Texas would kill me for saying so. It’s hot for here, though, and the daily thunderstorms have made our lawn a waterlogged clay pit that is almost impossible to mow (yet growing like crazy because it’s been so wet followed by such sun… sigh.)

I think that’s about all I can think of right now that isn’t directly related to being a parent. As for the parent life, things tick along just fine. Sometimes I look at them while they sleep, and I just think they are the most beautiful things I have ever seen. I know that every parent is biased toward thinking their children are attractive, and I don’t claim that my boys are any more or less cute than other babies. I don’t have the perspective to be able to judge the relative attractiveness of my children, and I don’t mean to do so by saying that they are beautiful– I just mean to comment on the feeling, looking at them while they are so peaceful, and the bone-deep knowledge that they are so important to me, so special, and how beautiful that makes them seem to me. They grow, they grow, and then, they grow some more. Turn around, and they’ll be walking out my door (isn’t that how the song goes?):

So. New month. Another chance to get it right in the blogging world. What of you? I really do miss you guys when I don’t get the chance to “chat” via comments. I try to stop by your blogs and say something when I get the chance, but I admit to blogging relationships being less-than-perfect these days. How has your summer been? Can it really be that it’s almost time for summer to wind down? Can fall really be around the corner??

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7 Responses to [Insert Apologetic Statement Here]

  1. Tara (TIMO) says:

    How is it that every time I log on to drop you a checkin’ in on ya email you blog? I completely understand this post. Similar reason to why I’ve been taking the summer off (yup, it’s going to be the entire summer). I too have become just Mama. I’m working on it and glad to read you’re doing the same thing. J&H are adorable. I love the new walker butt swagger. Thanks for the update. And know that I’ve been thinking of you.

  2. JJ says:

    Cheers my friend. I totally get the gun shy feeling and being vulnerable–it keeps me from logging in to post A LOT. Afraid of what will be misinterpreted–but know that you have a lot of people who love to read what you write and pass no judgement and just want to support — ahem– me included 🙂

  3. strongblonde says:

    you know that i went through the “found out” period, too. honestly, i don’t care who reads, i just don’t want it to be used against me. i want this to be a safe space for us to talk and share and find support from one another…because that really has happened, you know! we shouldn’t have to deal with the weirdo judging people of the world! just know that you’re supported!

    being a mom is a full time job. and it’s all encompassing right now. and it’s who you are. you shouldn’t have to feel bad about that. or try to be someone that you’re not. i was at the donut shop yesterday and a kid was screaming (an older kid, not crying, but screaming. i think he was excited about donuts–who wouldn’t be?) and an older gentleman next to me told him to “put a sock in it”. i don’t get people like this. there are going to be kids everywhere. if you don’t want to be around them, you should just hang out at the bar, i suppose. maybe the guy was just having a bad day. who knows. but at any rate….be who you are and surround yourself with people who support you.

    and yea for running again. i’m finally starting to feel more comfortable running. i so want to be a runner. it just feels good, make my body feel strong, and gives such a good workout! i’m determined, that’s for sure!

    welcome back!! 🙂

  4. shinejil says:

    I’ve been struggling to get our finances in good order, too. Written budgets are like diets for us: The intention is good and the plan perfect, but the results, well… But looking at expenses from the past month or two on a spreadsheet does open your eyes to exactly where all the money goes.

    I can’t wait for fall! I want to get out and run, too! You’re a stronger woman than I, to get out and move in this dreadful heat.

  5. Ellen K. says:

    I have heat index fatigue right now. It’s all the same once it’s been this hot for more than 2 weeks.

    Sometime after the 1st birthday, and definitely in the 3rd year, people start looking askance at very small children. It’s like a nonstop Brat Watch. Very uncomfortable. I’m with Strongblonde — surround yourself with supportive people. Or young preteen/teenage boys who think tantrums are absolutely hilarious and use their iPhones to send videos of said tantrums to their friends, as my nephew has done.

    I have a new spreadsheet to track our expenses — I just downloaded it from Excel’s website and tweaked it. I need to add a category for crayons and markers. ; )

    Your children ARE beautiful!

  6. Esperanza says:

    I’m sorry you’re getting anti-kid sentiment from friends. That is hard. And while I understand where they are coming from, I also see your point of view. It’s hard to find a middle ground but when you can I think it’s worth while.

    You know all about our financial issues. Money sucks. The end.

    I don’t think you should have to apologize for feeling completely and utterly engrossed in your children’s life. That is what mothers do. And while some might become more so than others, no mother should have apologize for how involved she is. That is absurd. I am coming to terms with the fact that after this intensely family oriented period in my life, I might have lost a few (many) childfree friends. I get that they can’t wait around for me and I don’t fault them for it. I just hope they don’t fault me for it either.

    So fun to see the boys on the move. Isa is so close and she has taken three to four steps unassisted but not consistently enough to say she’s “walking”. She’ll get there when she’s ready, I know that for sure. And I’m in no hurry for it to happen.

  7. j says:

    I’ve just decided to not talk to anyone who doesn’t like being around kids – I had a friend come over a few weeks ago who looked at Miss Moo as though she were beneath contempt and made snide comments about why on earth people would become parents – she won’t be invited back anytime soon.

    I hate that attitude anyway – I respect people’s decisions not to have children, so why can’t they just be polite about my decision to have one and be nice to her. People seem to forget that they too were once babies that cried and had to have their poopy diapers changed.

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