La, la, la…

Wide aerial camera shot slowly, carefully pans across a wooded setting on the outskirts of Southern City X and pauses in front of a humble, cedar-shingled house with a very overgrown yard. Following the welcoming warm light beaming from the front windows, we peek in and see our protagonist surrounded by the detritus of toddler-life, a 35-yr-old, disheveled, increasingly fat-and-frumpy housewife who is sitting at her computer.

She types. She deletes. She types some more. She deletes some more. She gives up, closes her blog window, and heads over to Pinterest instead. She reads other people’s words, but she doesn’t seem to have many of her own, at least none that seem worth anything. We see this scene play out many times over before the frazzled housewife finally sighs and guiltily pokes her head out from under her rock, and timidly waves…

Er, hi. Sorry for the silence. And thanks for those of you who have checked in on me. Things in the Bee’s Hood are… oh, I don’t know. I feel foolish saying things are bad, because they aren’t. My children are lovely, my husband is an (generally) incredible (if somewhat broken) person, our house still stands, our bank account is (mostly) not completely empty at the end of the month, I’m relatively healthy and whole. But I’d also feel foolish saying that things are good, because they’re not. I’ll save the details for a password-protected post, but for those of you waiting for an update on the last post, I can simply say that I heard a great quote on a radio program today– there’s a difference between a cure and being healed. For some things, there is just no cure, and so we hope simply for some healing. I’m still in that hoping place right now. (I’d appreciate references to specifics in the last post to be left out of any comments on this non-password-protected post…)

Mostly, I just want to poke my head out here to say that I am hanging in there, and I thank you so much for your kind words on my last post. I know I have many casual readers who don’t feel they know me well enough or just don’t want to read such personal stuff, and this is, perhaps, a post to include those people– I count you all among my friends, even if we aren’t such buddies as to tell each other our darkest secrets.


My boys, my beautiful boys:

We are 21-month-olds now. We are walking, talking (sort of, not that you can really understand us), jumping (one of us), stomping, climbing, giggling babies. We say all kinds of things: please, thank you/danke, water/wasser, kuh (aka cow), car, cake, ball, eat, doll, help, bowl, go, call, up, no, frühstück (aka breakfast), diaper, hop!, bath, and many, many more (including, of course, a full complement of animal noises– mooooo!, kack! (aka quack!), baaa!, neigh!, bok!, meow!, oof!-aka woof!, etc., etc., etc.).

We do incredibly funny things, like filling the trunk of our tricycle with popcorn:
Fill 'Er Up!

And we go to the library for Toddler Boogie Time:
Toddler Mob Scene

Henny climbs at the park:
Henny Climbs

And Jack swings at the park:
Happy Jack!

We lay around and play together:
Playing In A Sunbeam

We say “bye, bye!”:

We laugh and laugh and laugh:

We steal cupcakes:

It’s a good time to be a toddler in the Bee In The Bonnet household.

I’m working on finding time to run. I am much happier when I do, but I admit that when sleep eludes me, it’s really hard to get up early in the morning and take the time to work out. It also doesn’t help that my back is pretty well destroyed, and sometimes, randomly, my back will get much, much worse after a run. But sometimes, randomly, it gets much, much better after a run. I’m confused at this point, really. Perhaps weight lifting is the answer for now, though I certainly don’t get the stress relief from weights that I do from a good, solid run. Or swimming might be good, but that would require a pool, which I don’t really have access to (not to mention that it requires traveling to a spot away from my house, and if I cannot even manage to hop on the treadmill for half an hour, I’m guessing I wouldn’t do very well with committing to driving elsewhere and donning a suit, cap and goggles and pounding out the miles in a pool…).

Anyhow, I’m feeling lumpy. I’ve gained back 10 or so pounds that I lost in the year after the boys were first born, and now, I’m sitting about 15 lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight (or, in honesty, about 20 lbs over my pre-IVF weight, though I’d be perfectly satisfied to just be back to pre-preg numbers at this point). My shorts from last summer don’t fit, which is a major bummer. I know it won’t take much to get myself back to a weight where they fit, but it’s just depressing to know that I’m bigger now than I was a year ago. Ugh. I keep reminding myself that I have a few odds stacked against me (major stressful life events, day-to-day twin stress, back pain issues, still nursing, taking a medication that can cause weight gain, etc.), but in the end, it still comes down to the fact that I might still be heavier than I was, but I’d be a lot happier if I made the time to actually exercise. And I’d be a lot happier if exercising brought me the results that it used to, pre-babies, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. Sigh.

So. Thanks for reading along with me this far. I appreciate the time my friends take to catch up with my (increasingly boring) life. I am not exactly sure when or how, but I anticipate going mostly password-protected with future posts. I know how annoying it is to have to enter a password, or to have to email a blog author, or to feel like maybe you don’t know the author well enough to ask for the password, whatever, whatever, but just take this as my invitation, even if I don’t know you well, or at all, to feel free to ask me for the password. I am not hiding my story from strangers, but rather from people in my life with whom I’d rather not share intimate details (there’s something for the therapist, eh?). I guess what I really mean is that I’ve been burned in the past by being found out, and I know how valuable other blogs were for me when we were going through infertility and IVF, etc., so I have no problem sharing my story with “strangers” who are part of my infertility community, but I don’t want to give anyone any ammunition.

Yeah. Long way of saying thank you, and don’t be offended/shocked if future posts are password-protected…

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12 Responses to La, la, la…

  1. Mel says:

    Was happy to see this pop up in my Reader this morning — see this is the silver lining of Google Reader. I can’t believe the boys are almost two, they look so big.

  2. strongblonde says:

    🙂 welcome back!!

    uhm….i need the password, pretty please. i didn’t ask before b/c i thought you were password protecting them for yourself. i’d love to know details and offer any support i can.

    on a side note, i remember the age/time where you are right now. i was still nursing, seemed to keep gaining weight and just felt so unhappy. and i am *so* helpful that i can’t even remember what it was that turned everything around, or at least started to push me toward the upswing. but i can say that now, at 2.5 years, i’m finally feeling more like myself. my body is different, sure, but i’m feeling a little like my endurance is back to what it was before, i’m enjoying working out again, and seeing the benefits in my health. i know this is not helpful at all, but more to just say that i’ve been there…and it gets better. 🙂

    your boys are, as always, adorable!!

  3. loribeth says:

    I know I HAD the password at one time — but I’ll be danged if I can find or remember it. :p Pretty please, could you send to me again? I was just thinking it had been awhile since we had heard from you (particularly since I couldn’t access the last post).

    I am sorry if all is not entirely well in your life right now. 😦 But yes — your boys continue to be absolutely adorable. : )


  4. So glad to hear something from you! I figured you were probably just busy with mom stuff, but I was curious how you are doing. The boys are adorable as always.

    Weight is a tough one. I’m in the middle of that whole trying-to-find-time-to-exercise and need-to-lose-10-pounds thing, too. It is hard with kids to make the time for yourself that weight loss requires. Hang in there! Things get better (I hear) as the kids get older, in terms of having more time for you. 🙂

  5. Ashley says:

    I’d love the password too. Much like you, I read but don’t comment often and rarely have time or energy to blog myself. Hang in there; life comes and goes in phases.

  6. Melissa says:

    I’ve missed you! I tried to use an old password on that last post but it didn’t work. Can you send me it if that’s cool? I thought you disappeared…So many of my favorite blogs have been slowly disintegrating…I’m still following but I deleted mine. I need to create a new one. Seriously, I did not lose much weight until E.lizabeth was 2 1/2!! Now with Ca.roline (she’ll be 11 months tomorrow!!) I’m starting working out now because I felt awful about myself forever. Looking back it doesn’t matter because E was happy and healthy but I hate that uncomfortable feeling…((HUGS)) melryan09atyahoodotcom

  7. Oh friend, I hear you. I have such humongous warm fuzzies about exercise and what it does for me mentally/physically/emotionally….but DARNIT if it isn’t super hard with twins and a hubs to look after. (And I don’t even have an injury to contend with. And I’m not nursing!) When I’m exercising regularly/demanding (ha!) that time “for me” everything else seems to fall into place a lot better than it does in the alterna-non-exercise world. But that doesn’t make it easy to fit it in.

    I don’t know the details on all you are going through…but I’m here for you and beside you and wishing you the very very best.

    Your boys are absolutely gorgeous. Love them!!!! xoxoxo

    PS I want the password so I can continue to follow along!

  8. Ellen K. says:

    I’m glad to hear from you but sorry that not everything is going well.

    I’m pretty sure my metabolism plummeted on my 35th birthday last month. It doesn’t help in the self-esteem or libido categories. Weight lifting is good, but it’s not as satisfying as a quick run, and yet when I’m lifting I think that the cardio freaks who have been spinning for 40 minutes are really missing out on something. And it IS hard to go to the gym with two small kids, even if there is free babysitting, because the childcare room is not open the entire day and takes some extra planning. I am not good at getting the girls out of the house in the morning. I would like to go by myself in the morning before the girls are up, but D. seemed a little irritated by the idea.

    If it helps, my SIL runs half-marathons now and is in amazing shape, but she only started running distance 2 years ago, when her kids were in late elementary school and junior high and she could leave them alone (her husband has an erratic work schedule). She also had more time, more dependable schedules, and more energy and consistent sleep at this point.

    The boys really are cute and happy looking. I & N will want to watch these videos with me later.

  9. Tara (TIMO) says:

    I’m so happy to see you posting an update. I’ve missed reading about you and your family. Jack & Henry are looking so big and adorable. I can’t believe how much they have grown. I remember 21-months fondly.

    Alex & Benjamin are almost 29-months and I have finally fallen below my pre-pregnancy weight. Seems like others agree with 2-1/2 being the magic age. It will come sooner than you realize.

  10. brandyshea says:

    So glad to see an update from you! Insane that they’re almost two. And I am so with you on the weight thing. I’m about 20 pounds over my pre-IVF weight and don’t even have any kids to show for it! It’s hard enough for me to get out there and run so I can’t imagine how it is with two toddlers!

  11. KK says:

    God life is busy — yours and mine. I starred this in my reader on the day it was posted and today is the first time I have had to go back and revisit those Very Important Posts in my reader since then. Anyway, love seeing the updates on the boys. It is fun to hear other kids doing the whole toddler babble thing. I love it (and the actual talking, but I love the babbling which I absolutely cannot imitate).

    I know that I used to have the password and I tried searching my email for it, but I can’t find it. Can I pretty please have it again? Thanks!

    I hope that this comment finds you, several weeks later, generally good and with more than a few runs under your belt.

  12. JJ says:

    Looking forward to park time soon 🙂

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